Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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