9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
