Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
