it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
