Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
she smelled like a LAN party
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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