My pussy is not your playground.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He passed out mid-signature
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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