There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
