i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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