remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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