Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
