If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
