Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
