It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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