So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
