This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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