The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize