Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
