Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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