halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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