I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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