she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
