There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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