if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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