Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
