I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
