Pregnant stripper...not hot.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
