Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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