: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize