This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
