You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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