If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
this beer tastes like vomit already
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
