sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
