i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
