the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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