This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
My cat gives me a boner
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize