I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
