If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
