I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
