I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
