Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
