My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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