u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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