It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
