My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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