dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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