I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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