Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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