I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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