as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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