I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
