he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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