i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
