I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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