my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
