first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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