I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize