just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
