I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
