I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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