when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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