so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
