There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
