I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
