I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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