i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
