dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
She's the barista slut.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
