Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
